my life. my story.: August 2005

mother of five.

My patient's mum -
Her ideas, her thoughts, her actions, her upbringing
Inspires me, touchs me and teaches me.

"The education system is one where they teach you everything, expecting you to find something you like. However, they do not realise that only by teaching you the things you like, will you be able to learn everything else you need to know."

She said this to me on the car today, not sure whether my wording is of what she said, but those three lines above, are just so meaningful and true to me.

Not coping = Compromise.

I went to my first surgery today! Saw a toe amputation and also a catheter being put in the abdominal area for dialysis. Shin and I attended the session together with 2 year 4's and 1 of them was our lab tutor! Having to wear the overalls and then go into the theatre standing beside the surgeon was quite cool.

But my title is actually related to the topic i kept thinking of during the bus ride there. A compromise is actually a sign of not coping well. This can be applied in many aspects of life, and i think it stays true as a general rule. I feel like i am slipping away, from my mountain high pile of work, into a life of procrastination, or shuffling of priorities to get jobs/tasks/assignments done. More often than not, my priorities are not really correct. Which is not really good. So all the compromising I make may seem as though I get things done, but isnt it a sign of not really coping well? Hmm. Ever since young, I have had a problem with priorities. Helping friends came before work, helping people came before other stuff. Work was something that could be postponed, unless due tomorrow, if there was something I perceived more important to do, at that moment in time. You can call it procrastination, but its really slightly different many of the times. Its also hard to explain what is running through my mind now, but all i can say is, i am trying to talk through this issue myself and hopefully come to a conclusion, or solution.

Management of time is really not easy, and has never been my forte. I admire those who juggle so many things simultaneously well, although they may be smart, hardworking or even both. After the theatre session, i do feel pumped up to study. I need instant knowledge at the tips of my fingers. I need to commit a million pages to memory. I need to know my stuff!

I think its time to reshuffle my screwed up priorities. The patient might be right, i am really quite a busy person.

Oh yes, really relieved my friend ling is well, after a scare sent her to A&E. Haa.. PBLs do come in handy.. i actually knew signs and symptoms of her diagnosis.

Mid-sem.

I agree my last entry was rather grim. A friend asked me about it as well. At least there are people who still reads my blog despite being neglected for a few weeks. The actual middle of the semester is coming, really quickly! I foresee the events happening, filling out my guild diary week after week, day after day. There is almost no time to enjoy and relax. Weekends are over before I know them, I had my housewarming the past Sunday, so the whole of Sunday was just cooking mainly. Volunteering takes up the other part of my weekend, volunteering should not be a burden, but a supplement to life. Thats the way I want to look at it. I do gain experiences from it, hospital life, more in touch with patients and talking to them more will build comunication skills. I do not want to think I am laiden with all this volunteering, being over-committed. Maybe i am, to some extent, when I start to not cope well, volunteering seems like it might be a burden? I refuse to think of it that way, cos from it i learn alot, from it I gain alot. I want to do it, I still want to. Last sunday, when i walked into the nursing home, the group of old people who greeted me and a guy who called out my name made me feel really happy. They are finally remembering my name! I made an impression!

Housewarming was behind schedule, we tried our best. Started cutting and chopping right after volunteering and going to Subi. Trust is so genuine and pure, I owe the market stall owner $3.50, cos I didnt have enough money. When he asked me whether I would pay him back the next week, and said that he trust I would, I felt really blessed. Another thing which touched my heart was the random stranger on the road who wanted to pray for me, and said that he felt I would feel peace when he did. At the corner of a busy street in Chinatown, he prayed for a min i think. People might dismiss him as weird, but it was comforting to some extent. Its hard to explain. I always believe God does have a plan for each and everyone of us, and all these little blessings are not coincidental, but planned, and each have a significant meaning and guide us into a new direction? Not sure whether I am making sense to you now, but its adequate to know that I am clear headed.

Oh yes, thanks alot to those who turned up for my housewarming, brought gifts, and helped cleaned up. Hope the food was to your liking.

Mid sem is just 1 day away. Have you realised that the middle of a week is not exactly wednesday but thursday? haa. My week is jammed packed with school related activities, topping it with MCW and Chinese Society (CS) stuff to do. A random patient in the hospital said, "Do not overcommit yourself, for our parents will not want to pay for their daughter to waste time on other activities" Gosh, I only spoke to her for 5 minutes, didnt tell her what i was busy with as well, besides volunteering. Message from above? Message speaking my inner thoughts about over commitment? Its just that I feel I can do all these, wont have other opportunities to do it, and so want to fully experience the Uni experience. Make the most out of my Perth experience.

Blood donation tomorrow, Video assessment before that. Theatre session on Thursday morning, CS bbq after, GP visit on Friday, look for sponsorships after then its saturday once again!

I am serious, the end of semester will come, before I know it.

Silent barrier.

Isolation

What you say affects me,
How you react affects me too.
Seem so distant,
so different from before
Why do things change,
when you never want them to.
How did the situation become like this?
This is a problem to me.
A solution i seek desperately.
To break this barrier,
I call it the silent barrier.

It was never like this,
with ease i speak.
Uncertainty beholds me now,
with caution each step i make.
Where has the familiarity gone?
Why is there a barrier now?
The silent barrier, can it be broken?

We used to laugh, say jokes,
crappy as they may be
Things have changed now,
I really dont like it.
Things beyond my control,
I wish i know how to avert the situation
Improve it, make things better.
Ignorant me,
I lack the knowledge
Lack the power
Lack the charm.

I feel quite useless,
Escaping this uncertain world
The barrier still exists
What should I do?
I alone do not have the power.
I think i need some assistance,
some divine intervention.

A miracle maybe?
Some things in life,
When you reach a dead end,
and when all is lost,
You see the sun shining.
I am awaiting that moment
Lord helps those who help themselves
What should I do in my case?

Irregardless of the outcome,
I am trying.
So many things to do,
its almost burying me.
Is it over commitment?
I really do not know.
My heart yearns to do more
Much more than I can manage.
Where is my listening ear?
The silent barrier,
remains a problem,
Solution unknown to me.

Haaa... MIA for a while.

Just to drop a note saying my blog is not dead yet! Have been so busy, have been spending SO SO much TIME in labs. Assignments are due, patient visits, GP visits, video assessment, test on Thurs, must book theatre session for viewing, Multicultural Week.. I mentioned before to a few people that weekends pass quicker than ever, with volunteering to end the week.. Boy.. I am really busy! THen i got the hang of posting pictures using Hello.. and decided to post up some really overdue photos. Ignoring the first Cataract Gorge picture, the other photos basically summarized my trip in chronological order! The memories I hold dear to my heart, destinations I loved! My diary for the trip is still unfinished! Memories are fading... Sigh. Just dont have the time.. =( But even as i complain how busy I am, i am happily busy? Shin says time is passing tortuously quick.. haaa.. true in a way.. but I am kind of enjoying it as well! Had quiz night with the Chinese Society, Lu Hui celebrated his 22nd, Jason his 21st, Fui Wen and JC their 21st as well.. So many birthdays! And now I am in 5th Week of Uni, the sem is almost halfway thru! What should I do during the break? I will be busy.. Sept is also lined with activities!!

I will write more soon, i promise! But for now, I should start studying!! Everyone around me is mugging.. sigh. what am i doing online? Oh yes! Housewarming is on Sun at 6.30pm. The chilli crab dish is 1 main dish of that night! Looks yummy? heehee =) I cooked that!